Can’t Explain

I have a home I'm grateful for
A roof over my head
Blessed with the chance to try once more
Cause really I should be dead 

The years of drinking took its toll
My liver gave up on me
Along the way I lost my soul
No hope in sight to see

The slowest form of suicide
Became my reality
No longer feeling any pride
This is what's meant to be

The shakes and sweats became the norm
Each night anxiety's deep
Someone give me some chloroform
Might get a good night's sleep

Why do I put myself thru this
I ask myself each day
I sit and drink and reminisce
Why I let things get this way

The years went by mostly a blur
Too fast they disappeared 
My future only looked obscure
Was everything that I feared

My youth was lost and so was hope
My kids, my light, my life
I lost them too and couldn't cope
The pain sharp as a knife

I snapped back to reality after I almost died
This is what you seldom see
When an addict becomes wide-eyed

I want to know what life is like
Without it being tweaked 
I need my kids back in my life
The answers I went and seeked

Another chance is very rare
I will not turn away
Take what you love and show you care
Your heart in full display 

In my 40 years I've lived 
I went through quite a lot 
Living isnt quite the word 
When ending in the wrong spot

Homelessness and hopelessness 
Seemed like what's meant for me
A vicious cycle nonetheless 
Repeated constantly 

Needing my friends and family
More than words could ever say
Love and support especially 
Making sure that I don't stray

I can't explain my world right now
No words deserve to say
My soul is simply wondering why
It deserved a chance to stay

- Nikki (Jan 2022)