“It’s Not the Hair”

By Alejandra Adarve

In light of International Day for the Elimination of Violence Against Women, I sat down with Kristi to talk about womanhood, femininity, and power. In honour of Kristi’s words, I decided to turn our interview into a poem.

I'm not even sure if I’m supposed to be included in
“What is a woman” or not
Because I also half identify with gender queer, maleness

I’m masculin and feminine at the same time
Not butch, though
Like, femme

That’s the beauty of it
We inhabit a woman’s body
But we decide who we are

I'm not sure what defines who we are

I feel we are taught in this society
—Because we are bouncing around in a very individualistic society
We are kind of taught to label ourselves with traits
As compared to other people
So it’s like we kind of learn to label ourselves
In comparison to what we are not

Like, if we are around other people—if I’m in Kindergarten or whatever
And then all the white boys are getting all the special treatment
And I'm like a feminine person of colour
I guess I am woman or I am multiracial
Because I am NOT one of those white boys

So it's your social reality
You learn to label yourself based on your differences
From the others around you

It’s like you get what you are by erasing what you are not

Which kind of reminds me about Womanhood
I can remember being a little kid and I can remember
When we would do like team sports—this was really annoying
I used to notice that all the kids would always want to play

Girls Against Boys

And it just seemed like boys, from a very early age
Were taught to label themselves against femininity
As in “non feminine”

And then myself, as a feminine individual
Was not identifying with this idea of femininity
But pushing it away wasn't either in me

I feel there is a lot of a certain type of attention that gathers around someone
Who is labeled or recognized as feminine
I felt boxed into the girl side and I felt a little unhappy there
Felt unhappy with that kind of dichotomy

As a kid I was way more tomboyish, and I was way more athletic
And I used to have a lot of guy friends, and we would go play
Some of my guys friends were strong and manly
And I could beat them at frogging
I could catch more frogs than they did

I felt so much pressure when I had to act non competitive
And be submissive, and act dizzy when a ball flew at me
—Cause if you don’t scream during dutch ball when a ball flies at you
You are not as feminine as the popular girl

When I was boxed with the other girls
I felt like I wanted to run free with the boys

I guess it feels funny sometimes—for somebody who is read as feminine
You have that vulnerability and that power

I don’t know what is it that makes us woman
It is not our bodies and it’s definitely not our hair

Ever since I was little I always felt very clearly feminine
I wanted to wear red lipstick and steal my mom’s silk dress and stuff like that
But I remember when I was 4 my mom asked me

“Are you a girly girl or a boyish boy?”
And I literally started crying hysterically
Because I couldn’t fit into that dichotomy

I can't figure out what Womanhood really is
I feel that the more distant I am from it, the more I don't know what it is
But to be the object of desire is power in itself as well

Absolutely

I enjoy the attention when is consensual
But there is also a lot of non consensual attention
People will try to monopolize power over your body and your space

But there is power in being a feminine individual

In that you are not this agent of patriarchy
You present so differently
Your energy is so different
It kind of hits the face of the patriarchy

That you are strong and you exist